Forgiveness

For as long as I can remember, I have ridiculed forgiveness and mocked it without concern about how I would be perceived. I always thought of forgiveness as something people did for selfish reasons; i.e., to raise themselves up above others as some sort of demigod, someone who was better than all the others who could not or would not forgive. I also thought the reason people forgave others was for redemption. Maybe others were forgiving me all my life; I don’t know. But I just did not recognize it, and I don’t recall forgiving as part of my personality.  Fuck ’em, I would think, they’re the ones who mistreated me. Why should I forgive them?

And then something happened. I was hurt badly by someone, so much so that I honestly thought my relationship with that person was over. Not only was I hurt, I felt totally betrayed and angry. I didn’t understand how or why I was treated the way I was. It ate at me from the inside out. It seemed like every morning, I would be tearful or angry because I just didn’t get it and couldn’t get over it.

Not once did I think about forgiving this person. Never entered my mind. I tried as best I could to let the whole thing go, and the only way I was able to do that was to reduce my communications with that person to a minimum. This actually helped. By not thinking about that person as much, I was able to deal with my own personal torture and move on to some extent.

And so life went on. This was someone I loved very much, but I stuck to my guns and  had very little communication with this person. A few phone calls, a few text messages, but none initiated by me. That was part of my way of dealing with the situation.

And then slowly, over a period of time, this person began to communicate with me more. There was no actual apology (I still wish today for that), but I began to allow myself to open up more in spite of my hurt and anger. And the hurt and anger started to dissipate, not overnight, but slowly and steadily, without my even realizing it. I still had trust issues, but I loved this person so much that I felt it was worth it to begin to trust again.

Things were rocky at times, but I allowed myself to keep moving forward. I started reaching out to this person, and the relationship was no longer just one way. The love between us began to grow again, like a tiny little bulb that began pushing itself out of the ground after a long hibernation.

It was then that I realized what forgiveness was and what it was doing to me. This was not a religious experience, but it was an awakening, a true understanding of how healing it was to forgive someone.

Now I love this person with all my heart and while the past is not forgotten, it is no longer torturing me.  It’s not about the other person, and it’s not even about verbalizing your forgiveness to that person. It’s about how something can eat at you forever, or you can forgive.

I guess that’s what forgiveness is all about.

PS I didn’t post for two years because I was too busy being hurt and angry and then, at last, forgiving. Maybe now I’ll be able to post more.

Reincarnation

Tags

Catholicism, Eastern religions, karma, reincarnation, spirituality

There was a time in my life when I believed in reincarnation. It made total sense to me and I loved the idea that we have all lived many lives and will live many more. If you know anything about reincarnation, you know that it is based on a belief that we are spiritual beings and that we are in bodies to learn, to advance spiritually. When we have reached what is commonly referred to as enlightenment, we become part of the “god” consciousness that we came from and don’t have to reincarnate anymore. The reason we continue to reincarnate is to correct the mistakes we made in previous lives and reconnect with those we may have harmed so that we can make amends.

I was raised in the Roman Catholic faith, but I had already decided  in my teens that Catholicism wasn’t for me.  I was always a rebellious Catholic, even when I was very young. I remember questioning the nuns about things we weren’t supposed to question and having my knuckles rapped with a pencil. I never got the thing about people going straight to hell because they weren’t Catholics. I would ask the nuns, “Well, what if they don’t even know there is such a thing as the Catholic church?”  I always got the same answer. It didn’t matter that they were unaware. They were still destined to go to hell. It just didn’t make sense to me.

So I was a lapsed Catholic, I guess you could say. I had stopped going to church and I hadn’t been struck by lightning. I slowly accepted that it was probably okay to not be a religious person and I began to question all of religion and whether it served any real purpose. I saw that it limited people and even made them afraid. I saw how people in one religion judged all other religions, and I saw how people used religion to hurt others. I really wanted no part of it.

I was in my twenties when I was introduced to reincarnation, much more mature than a teenager, or so I thought.  I didn’t have any real knowledge about Eastern religions, but it was the sixties and there was a lot of attention being paid to them. The Eastern religions were “groovy” and gurus were everywhere. When reincarnation was explained to me, I was smitten. What a perfect concept, what a great “pass” on everything, big and small, in my life. This was freedom! I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted because no matter what, I had many lifetimes before me. I could put off learning in this lifetime because I could come back and learn it in my next life. And that person that pissed me off? I could let them have it and not be sorry one bit because I would run into them in another life and could make amends then. Wow! What a cakewalk!

Of course, I knew in the back of my mind that I was prolonging the amount of time I would have to spend reincarnating by transgressing. But it was a whole lot better than the one life, one shot, and if you mess up, you go straight to hell concept I had been taught in my youth.  No get out of hell free card for me! But this, the whole reincarnation thing, bought me some time, a whole lot of time, to pay off my debts. I was living the dream! It was so liberating!

Along with a belief in reincarnation comes karma, a truly magical thing that says no matter what you say, do or think, it spirals out into the universe and then Comes Back! And even better, it works on all those lousy jerks who kill, rape and commit other horrendous crimes. And it even works on the jackass who pulled out in front of me and almost caused an accident. People absolutely love the concept of karma, mainly because they really think it works. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say things like, “Well, he’ll get his karma! That will come back to him.” And they really believe this.

But look around at the real world and you’ll see that there is no such thing in play. People commit horrendous crimes and get away with it. People say the most offensive things and get away with it. There are wars, there are so many bad things that happen in our world. You would think karma would have long ago taken care of these things.

But wait! With reincarnation, karma may not happen in this lifetime. In other words, we may not see the karma because it’s going to take place in the future, in another life. So the evildoer in this lifetime may be having the time of his or her life, but rest assured,  they are going to pay in a future life. Perfect!

As you can see, it all makes sense in a weird, convoluted sort of way, which I think is why I bought into it so wholeheartedly. My friends and I would sit around talking about history and imagining who and where we might have been in previous lives and in what eras we lived in. It was fun! And even the Beatles were into it!

Over a period of time, though, I began to realize that there were things about these concepts that just didn’t jive with reality. I looked around at the world and saw the truly random nature of our existence on Planet Earth. I saw that much as I would like to think that even a simple thought in my mind could have a reverberating effect in the real world, this just isn’t the case.

We are human beings. We live one life. We have one chance to live a fruitful, meaningful life. Our rewards and punishments are right here and right now. That is what I choose to believe and how I choose to live my life.

One other thing. The person who turned me on to reincarnation in the first place was a crazy megalomaniac who professed to be pretty much every famous person in history. If I had been as mature as I thought I was in my twenties, I would never have fallen for reincarnation in the first place. Oh well. Chalk it up to experience, the best teacher I know.

Anger 101

Tags

anger, anger management, emotions

A telephone book is a  great anger management tool.  Here’s how. Choose a fairly large telephone book. I have three or four to choose from, depending on my level of anger (and how good I want to feel afterwards). Next, choose a location. A carpeted location will insulate the noise somewhat in case you are not alone and don’t want to be called a lunatic.

Another story in itself.

Now, raise the telephone book high over your head with both hands and carefully select a landing point. Aim for a location where nothing else is in the vicinity unless, of course, you have taken the time to gather up items that remind you what you are angry with or about. Then, by all means, have them in position. Now, take a deep breath and say whatever you want. It could just be my favorite, “Fuck you world!” which, when interpreted into another language, Italian, for example, means “Fuck you world!” As you are pronouncing, or proclaiming, or even maligning another human being on the planet, lower your arms and heave the phone book in a rapid downward motion. Bam! The noise in itself is pretty darn entertaining and anger-alleviating.

There is great satisfaction in this, I promise. I’ve done this many times. It actually works better than kicking doors or punching a hole in a wall, something I feel certain many are quite familiar with. No damage to anything at all, and it feels really good.

Repeat this three or four times, and now you’re getting a little winded, aren’t you? That’s good. Take a minute to stop and relax. If still feeling anger, repeat as many times as necessary.

There’s really nothing wrong with being angry. The worst thing you can do is deny anger or hold it in. That’s when bad things start to happen. Check the news; you’ll see what I mean. Anger can eat at your insides and do lots of damage. But being angry in itself is not what’s bad. It’s a real emotion, a real feeling, and it generally won’t be denied. It needs to be addressed.

I really despise smug people who have a long list of platitudes relating to anger:  forgive, let go, meditate, blah, blah, blah. What a bunch of bullshit. These types are the ones most loaded with anger that they are currently suppressing or denying and will continue to do so with their last breath. Me? Angry? Never!  Liars and deniers, every last one of them.

Acknowledge your anger and then find a way to express it in a way that no one and no thing is harmed.